Part One

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <B><IMG SRC="57fa77d0.jpg" border=0 width="167" height="125" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <A HREF="news_and_events.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="News Events">News & Events</A></div> <div> <A HREF="novels__short_stories.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Writings">Writings</A></div> <div> <A HREF="order_books.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Order Books">Order Books</A></div> <div> <A HREF="blog.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Blog">Blog</A></div> <div> <A HREF="press_room.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Press Room">Press Room</A></div> <div> <A HREF="contact_the_author.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact the Author">Contact the Author</A></div> <div> <A HREF="forum__chat.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Forum">Forum</A></div> <div> <A HREF="art_gallery.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Art Gallery">Art Gallery</A></div> <div> <A HREF="resources_and_links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Resources and Links">Resources and Links</A></div> <bR> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" width="100%" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Courier New" ><B>Josh Aterovis</B></FONT>     |     <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Josh Aterovis">home</A>     <A HREF="id181.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eden Revisited">Eden Revisited</A></div> <div> <B>Part One</B>   ·   <A HREF="id250.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Part Two">Part Two</A></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Part One</B></div> <div> <IMG SRC="3d4ba050.gif" border=0 width="442" height="5" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>Eden Revisited</B></div> <div> Part One of Two</div> <bR> <div>      “Hey Killian,” Adam greeted me absently as I walked into the family room. I smiled at him as I flopped backwards onto the comfortable old sofa. Adam was working at his desk; the family room doubled as Adam's unofficial home office. He ran a graphics design business from home. I often came in here to read when we were alone in the house. It was a cozy wood paneled little room with a recliner and a sofa facing an entertainment center. Framed photographs were everywhere. Adam's computer desk took up one corner.</div> <bR> <div>      I watched him work for a few minutes before cracking open the book in my hands. It was by my one of my newest favorite authors, Lynn Flewelling. It was a great book but I seemed unable to focus, so I set it aside and let my mind wander. I looked over the bank of pictures on the table nearest me. There was one of me with Kane, Adam's son and my little brother in every sense but biological. Adam had taken me in at a very vulnerable time in both our lives. He'd just lost his oldest son, Kane's older brother Seth, and I'd been forcibly evicted from my home by my father after he found out I was gay. Adam had quickly become a father to me in a way my birth father had never been. </div> <bR> <div>      Next to the picture of Kane and me was a picture of Seth. There were more of Seth on the entertainment center, one from almost every stage of growth from sturdy little toddler to graceful young teen. They stopped abruptly at age sixteen. Just thinking about his murder caused a lump to rise up in my throat. I quickly moved on in my visual tour. </div> <bR> <div>      The next picture to catch my eye was one of Adam and his partner Steve. They were standing on the beach, their arms thrown casually around each other's waists, laughing at something someone had said. It was a great candid shot. I smiled as I looked at it. It was nice to have such a great couple as an example. I thought of my boyfriend Micah and my smile widened even more. Almost everything I knew about having a healthy, happy relationship I'd learned from Adam and Steve. As I thought about my relationship with Micah, it suddenly occurred to me that I knew almost nothing about Adam and Steve's relationship before I came along. I didn't know how or where they'd met, what their first date had been like…nothing. In fact, now that I thought about it, I knew very little about Adam's life before me. I knew he'd been married; I'd had the dubious pleasure of meeting his ex-wife Eve a few times. I'd heard Adam comment once that Seth and Kane were the only two good things to come out of his marriage to Eve. Beyond that, however, I knew next to nothing.</div> <bR> <div>      “Hey Adam?” I asked. He stopped clicking away at the computer and turned towards me. “Are you at a place where you can take a break?”</div> <bR> <div>      He shrugged. “Sure, why not? What's on your mind?”</div> <bR> <div>      “Nothing earth shattering. I just realized that I don't know that much about you.”</div> <bR> <div>      He gave me a funny look. “Don't know much about me? We've been living together for two years!”</div> <bR> <div>      “No, I mean I don't know much about your life before I moved in with you. I know you used to be married to Eve, and I know you're not originally from this area, but that's all I really know. I mean, I don't know what happened with Eve, besides the obvious fact that you're gay. But that really just confuses me more. Why'd you even marry her in the first place? And I don't know how you ended up here on the Eastern Shore, and I don't know how you met Steve…”</div> <bR> <div>      “Whoa, slow down there, kiddo,” Adam laughed. “One thing at a time. You sound like you're on a case and I'm a witness to be interrogated.”</div> <bR> <div>      I laughed too. “I'm just curious.”</div> <bR> <div>      “What brought all this on?”</div> <bR> <div>      “I don't know, my mind just started wandering and this is where I ended up.”</div> <bR> <div>      “You might want to be careful letting your mind wander like that; one of these days it might decide to not come back.” I made a face and he chuckled, but he quickly grew serious. “So you want to know my life story, huh?”</div> <bR> <div>      “I do. If you don't mind telling me that is…”</div> <bR> <div>      He waved that idea away as he stood up and joined me on the couch. “If I'm going to tell you my story I might as well be comfortable,” he said. Without even thinking, I snuggled up next to him like a little kid awaiting a bedtime tale. He smiled and ruffled my hair.</div> <bR> <div>      “Oh wow, where to begin?” he asked himself.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> * * *</div> <div>      I grew up in a very small town in Western Maryland. It was in the foothills of the mountains and everyone knew everyone. Things were very different than they are today. Now, there are gay people everywhere - on TV, in movies, in magazines. You're surrounded by it. Even if you live in some backwoods hillbilly town, <I>Will & Grace</I> comes to your house at least once a week. When I was a teenager, I didn't know one single person who was gay. I'd heard of it, of course, but only as an object of derision, something awful to be avoided at all costs.</div> <bR> <div>      Looking back now, I guess I was always attracted to my male friends. It just wasn't something I could acknowledge then, even to myself. If I was ever aware of it on any level, it was just something to be ignored or overcome. I graduated high school and went off to college. What a shock that was. It was like a different world. This was the late 70's, right at the end of the free love movement and before AIDS rocked the world. I was a small-town boy; I was horrified, and more than a little fascinated by what I saw going on around me, but too afraid to do anything more than observe. </div> <bR> <div>      For a while, my roommate Bruce was my only friend. He eventually started dragging me along when he went out to spend time with his friends and they became my friends by default. I realize now that I had a crush on Bruce. I practically worshipped him. He seemed to be everything I wanted to be: suave, worldly, and confident. One of the girls in our group, her name was Naomi, had it bad for Bruce, but he never made any time for her. I think she figured out that I had a crush on him, because she suddenly came up with the idea that it should be the group's mission to find me a girlfriend. At the time, I never quite understood her obsession with finding me a girl. It wasn't as if I was the only guy in the group who was single. In fact, Bruce was single too, but I guess Naomi already had someone in mind for him. </div> <bR> <div>      They set me up on a few blind dates, all of which turned out disastrously, as those things tend to do. Then Naomi found someone who was destined for me, according to her at least. I refused to meet her at first, but Naomi kept insisting. When I asked why she was so sure we were destined for each other, she would only reply vaguely that we had a lot in common and I would understand when I met her. Finally, I gave in and agreed to go on a date with Naomi's mystery girl, even though she wouldn't even tell me her name. </div> <bR> <div>      It turned out to be Eve. Naomi thought the fact that we were named Adam and Eve was terrible cute and wonderful. Much to my surprise, the date wasn't as disastrous as the others had been. We actually did have some things in common and we enjoyed talking. Eve was quite pretty -- tiny and delicate with deep red hair that reached past her waist. </div> <bR> <div>      For some reason, Eve fell for me pretty hard. To this day, I don't understand why. I don't know what she saw in me, an awkward, skinny kid with bushy red hair, and no idea how the world worked. Left on my own, I would have never pursued anything with her, but she went after me like a starving dog after a T-bone steak. We started dating; meanwhile my crush on Bruce just kept growing. </div> <bR> <div>      I'd been dating Eve for a few months when Bruce came back to our dorm room late one night, high as a kite. He was making so much noise he woke me up and I sat up in bed. When he saw I was awake, he came over and sat on my bed. He just stared at me for a long time; neither of us said anything. I didn't know what to say and he seemed content just to sit there smiling.</div> <bR> <div>      Finally, he said, “I know you want me.” It wasn't a challenge, just a simple statement of fact. I started stuttering, tripping all over my tongue in my rush to deny that I had any feelings for him other than friendship. He shut me up by leaning over and kissing me. I was so shocked I didn't even kiss him back; I just sat there like a lump. After a short while, he stopped long enough to tell me if I didn't start kissing him back he was going to bed. So I kissed him back. We ended up making love. It was my first time with anyone, male or female. Afterwards, he crawled into his bed and passed out. I was awake for the rest of the night, trying to figure out what exactly had happened.</div> <bR> <div>      The next morning he acted as if nothing had ever happened. I was crushed, but I didn't dare bring it up. It was never mentioned again. Bruce and Naomi started dating not long after that and I spent the rest of my freshmen year pining after Bruce while dating Eve.</div> <bR> <div>      Eve and I dated through the summer and into the next school year. By then I'd come to realization that I'd really enjoyed what had happened between Bruce and me. I discreetly began to seek out other guys like me. They weren't hard to find. I began to have sexual encounters, one-night stands, with random guys. It's a miracle I didn't catch AIDS, remember this was before the safe-sex movement, but I guess God was watching out for at least one young idiot. </div> <bR> <div>      I kept up my double life for months and no one ever suspected anything. And then I met Abe. He wasn't like the other guys I'd hooked up with, he was sweet and sensitive, and we ended up talking through the whole night. I saw him again, the only guy I'd ever been with more than once at that time. I started falling for him and the next thing I knew, we were dating. I was dating two people at the same time, Abe secretly and Eve openly. Obviously, it couldn't last. Abe began to get very jealous of Eve. He wanted me to break things off with her and come out; he was tired of hiding our relationship. It eventually led up to a huge fight. I'll never forget it…</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> * * *</div> <div>      “I'm so sick of this,” Abe yelled as he paced back and forth across the mangy piece of shag carpeting he'd laid on the floor of his dorm room. </div> <bR> <div>      “What do you want me to do?” I argued. “I'm not ready for people to know about me.”</div> <bR> <div>      “You're ashamed of us.”</div> <bR> <div>      “No I'm not!”</div> <bR> <div>      “You are or it wouldn't matter if people knew about you. Do you know how much it hurts to see you on campus with that bitch? She doesn't even know I exist. None of your friends know I exist. I can't even talk to you in public. For God's sake, I'm your fucking dirty little secret. How do you think that makes me feel?”</div> <bR> <div>      “I'm sorry,” I said through the tears.</div> <bR> <div>      “Great, you're sorry - now what are you going to do about it?”</div> <bR> <div>      “I-I don't know.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Do I matter to you?”</div> <bR> <div>      “You know you do.”</div> <bR> <div>      “How would I know? Because you sleep with me when we're alone?”</div> <bR> <div>      “Because I love you!”</div> <bR> <div>      That stopped him for a moment. I'd never said that to him before. I'd never said it to anyone before. </div> <bR> <div>      He recovered and continued, his voice gentler now. “I love you too, Adam. I really do. But if you're not willing to be open about our relationship, I don't think I can continue this.”</div> <bR> <div>      “You-you're breaking up with me?” I asked disbelievingly.</div> <bR> <div>      “Adam, I deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. Come back once you figure out what you want.” He opened his door and stood waiting for me to leave.</div> <bR> <div>      “We can't…I don't…I want you,” I sobbed.</div> <bR> <div>      “Then break things off with Eve,” he said quietly.</div> <bR> <div>      Panic filled my chest, “I…I can't.”</div> <bR> <div>      He shrugged, pain filling his eyes and finally spilling over into tears. “Then go. I hope you figure things out, but I can't wait forever. Maybe I'll still be here when you do, and maybe I won't. Goodbye, Adam.”</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> * * *</div> <div>      I fled from his room and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I stayed in my room for the next several days, not even leaving to go to class. Eve kept after me to tell her what was wrong but I refused to talk about it. I replayed my last conversation with Abe over and over in my head. Finally, I decided that he was right and that I couldn't stand to lose him. I made up my mind to tell Eve. I got up and showered and went outside for the first time in days. As I stepped out, the first thing I noticed was an ambulance sitting outside Abe's dorm building. The usual group of rubberneckers had gathered around like vultures. I walked over as casually as I could and asked a red-eyed bystander what was going on. </div> <bR> <div>      “One of the residents killed himself,” the girl sniffled. </div> <bR> <div>      A cold feeling crept into my heart. I didn't want to ask, but I had to know. I forced myself to speak, “Who?”</div> <bR> <div>      “I don't know his name,” she told me. </div> <bR> <div>      I began to ask everyone standing around, but no one seemed to know who it was who had committed suicide. Just then, one of the paramedics came out and I grabbed his arm.</div> <bR> <div>      “Who is it?” I asked, barely masking the panic I was feeling. </div> <bR> <div>      “I can't release that…” The guy started to refuse to tell me but something in my eyes must have changed his mind. “His name is Abel Hess. Did you know him?”</div> <bR> <div>      I nodded woodenly, hoping this was all some sort of sick joke. “How?” I whispered.</div> <bR> <div>      The guy's eyes filled with compassion and it was all I could do not to fall apart right there. “Drug overdose. It was probably accidental, there was no note.” He patted me roughly on the shoulder and climbed into the ambulance, leaving me alone with my grief. I knew it wasn't an accident; Abe didn't take drugs. I walked back to my room in a state of shock. I sat for hours just staring out the window. I didn't fall apart until late that night, after everyone else was asleep. I went back to classes the next day, pretending as if nothing ever happened. But at night, alone in the secrecy of my bed, I grieved Abe's death. My roommate had to know something was going on, but we weren't close and he didn't bother asking. </div> <bR> <div>      I continued dating Eve. She was safe. I knew that I was gay; there was no denying it by then, not even to myself. I also knew that I never wanted to hurt as badly as I had with Abe. If that was love, then I didn't need it. I still got along great with Eve; we were friends. I convinced myself that it would be enough, that it was better this way. If I didn't care deeply for her, I couldn't be deeply hurt. It never occurred to me if that was fair to Eve or not, I was in self-protection mode, still grieving deeply over Abe.</div> <bR> <div>      The next two years passed by quickly. I stopped seeing guys after Abe, not even random hook-ups. The day before we graduated, I proposed to Eve and she accepted. We were married a few months later. In all the time we'd been dating, we'd never slept together. To Eve, the idea of saving yourself for your wedding night was very romantic and old-fashioned. For me, it was simply a matter of not being interested. Before Abe, I'd had other sexual outlets that interested me a lot more. After Abe, well, I just wasn't interested in sex. </div> <bR> <div>      Our wedding night was…uneventful. I couldn't get an erection. Eve was not amused, but I passed it off as nerves. The next night I knew I had to perform, so I did the only thing I could think of, I pretended I was with Abe. It worked, but later that night, after Eve fell asleep, I cried myself to sleep. </div> <bR> <div>      I went through the next couple years in a sort of fog. I was miserable and Eve couldn't help but notice. Things became very tense between us; we were fighting more and more. She always had to initiate sex and even then, more often than not, it was a repeat of our wedding night. I had just about decided to ask her for a separation when she shocked me with the news that she was pregnant. I was furious at first; I didn't understand how she could have gotten pregnant when she was supposed to be on the pill. She told me that it wasn't 100%; that it sometimes failed. To this day, I believe she got pregnant on purpose in an attempt to keep me from leaving. If so, it worked. I stayed with her. I couldn't leave the woman who was carrying my child. For a while, during the pregnancy and right after Seth was born, things got better between us. We didn't fight as much, and Eve was one of those lucky women whom pregnancy really agrees with. </div> <bR> <div>      It was too good to last, though, and by the time Seth was a year old we were fighting even more than before. We figured it had worked the first time, so we'd try it again. But we were trying this time and predictably, we had a very hard time. It took months, but finally she told me she was pregnant again. We went though the whole process, and just like before, it seemed to make a real difference. By the time Kane was born, we were doing better than we'd ever done.  It probably helped that I got a great job with a computer firm in DC around that same time and I started spending long hours at the office. When I got home at night, Eve was so tired after spending all day alone with two babies that she didn't have enough energy to initiate sex or start a fight. I fell into a routine in which I found myself content, if not really happy. </div> <bR> <div>      Again, it couldn't last forever. As the boys got older and Eve found herself with more time on her hands, the old fights started up again. I loved the boys with all my heart and couldn't imagine losing them. I knew there was no way Eve would let me see them if I left her now, so I made an effort. We went to marriage counseling. I knew full well what the problem was, but it was a secret I couldn't tell. I tried as hard as I could to be a good husband and father, but I found myself sinking steadily into depression. I began to withdraw from Eve and the boys, spending more and more time at the office, even spending the night there at times. It went on like this for years. I'd pretty much resigned myself to this life. </div> <bR> <div>      All that changed when we got new neighbors. Grant and Lydia Marsh moved in next door to us and Lydia and Eve quickly became friends. I was forced to play the happy husband at dinner parties and backyard barbecues. At first, I resented it, but it wasn't long before I came to enjoy them just as much, if not more, than Eve. Lydia was a quiet woman, kind and generous, but never had much to say. Grant, on the other hand, was very gregarious. He was a natural flirt and he flirted with everyone - men and women equally. He was a also very easy on the eyes and I soon felt myself responding to him in a way I hadn't with anyone since Abe died. </div> <bR> <div>      My reactions to Grant didn't escape Eve's notice. It became a new bone of contention between us. Eve insisted his behavior was inappropriate and I argued that it was just his manner. It all came to a head one night after a cocktail party. I'd had a little too much to drink and for once, when Grant started flirting with me, I gave as good as I got.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> * * *</div> <div>      “That was disgusting!” Eve raged as soon as the last of our friends had left. </div> <bR> <div>      “What?” I'd blinked in surprise. I wasn't quite drunk, but I was very, very close.</div> <bR> <div>      “That whole scene with Grant.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Oh come on, Eve.”</div> <bR> <div>      “No, it was embarrassing, Adam. It's bad enough that <I>he</I> has to act like that. I always feel so sorry for Lydia, and now I know what it feels like to have your husband act like a fool in public.”</div> <bR> <div>      “I didn't act like a fool! We were just playing around. And besides, Lydia never seems to care. Half the time, she just plays along.” It was true. I'd never seen Lydia seem the least bit bothered by Grant's flirtatiousness. </div> <bR> <div>      “Well that's just great for Lydia,” Eve snapped, “I'm not Lydia and it bothers me.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Why? You know we're just joking.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Do I?”</div> <bR> <div>      I froze. “What is that supposed to mean?”</div> <bR> <div>      “Give me a little credit here. I see the way you act when Grant's around. You light up whenever he walks into the room. You're like a school girl with a crush.”</div> <bR> <div>      “I'm not!”</div> <bR> <div>      “You've never acted like that around me.”</div> <bR> <div>      “What are you trying to say?” </div> <bR> <div>      “I'm not <I>trying</I> to say anything. I'm saying I think you want to fuck Grant Marsh.”</div> <bR> <div>      I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. The first words that came to my mind slipped out my mouth before I had time to weigh their impact. “Maybe I do.”</div> <bR> <div>      The change in Eve's face was horrifying. She'd been angry before, but now her features slowly contorted with hatred. She began to tremble as her face grew red. I was actually afraid that she was going to have a heart attack. I took a step towards her when she suddenly erupted in an ear-shattering scream. I cringed as she leapt into action, hurling every loose object at me she could reach, all the while screaming incoherently. </div> <bR> <div>      Vases and knick-knacks exploded around me as words began to emerge from her rage-induced frenzy. </div> <bR> <div>      “Get out!” she screamed, “You disgust me! Get out now!”</div> <bR> <div>      “Eve…” I tried to reason with her, but I had to duck quickly as a heavy brass paperweight narrowly missed my head.</div> <bR> <div>      “Get out! Get out! GET OUT!”</div> <bR> <div>      Suddenly, the boys were all I could think about. “Eve, we can work through this, think of the children.” </div> <bR> <div>      “I don't even want you near the children,” she snarled. “God you make me sick. All these years I wondered why I wasn't good enough for you and now I understand. You're a goddamned faggot. I want you out now and I never want to see you again.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Mommy?” a frightened voice called out, bringing a sudden halt to her barrage. </div> <bR> <div>      We turned to see a wide-eyed Kane staring at us -- confusion and fear written plainly on his young face. </div> <bR> <div>      “What's going on?” he asked anxiously. </div> <bR> <div>      I caught a flash of movement behind him and I knew Seth was awake too. <I>How much had they heard?</I> I wondered. Kane, at nine, was probably too young to understand what Eve had been screaming. Seth was twelve though; he'd know what a faggot was.  </div> <bR> <div>      “Go back to bed, sweetie,” I said as calmly as I could. “Mommy and I are having a disagreement. It'll be ok.”</div> <bR> <div>      His huge eyes took in the ravaged room and he looked to Eve for confirmation. She was still trembling with rage and hurt, but she held her tongue and gave him a shaky nod. He turned reluctantly and started back for his room. </div> <bR> <div>      “You too, Seth,” I called. </div> <bR> <div>      I listened for the sound of two doors shutting, turning back to Eve only when I was sure they were in their rooms.</div> <bR> <div>      “Eve, they don't need to hear all this,” I began when she cut me off with a harsh slap across the face. </div> <bR> <div>      I was stunned. I'd never been struck in my life.</div> <bR> <div>      “Don't speak to me about what they do and don't need to hear,” she hissed. “You no longer have the right. I want you out of my house right now.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Eve…”</div> <bR> <div>      “Now.”</div> <bR> <div>      “We need to talk…”</div> <bR> <div>      Without any warning, she threw herself at me and began to pummel me with her fists. I didn't fight back, even when she connected solidly with my lip, splitting it against my teeth. Some part of me felt as if I deserved her abuse. The whole time she struck me she kept up a litany, “Get out! I hate you! Get out!”</div> <bR> <div>      I finally managed to disentangle myself from her flailing arms. I opened the front door and looked back at her. She was gripping her arms tightly around her sides, fighting back the sobs that were threatening to consume her. </div> <bR> <div>      “Go…” she gasped raggedly. </div> <bR> <div>      I turned and walked out. Once on the front lawn, I didn't know where to go. My first thought was the office, but I didn't want to be alone right then. I thought of Grant and Lydia and walked unsteadily next door. My knock was answered by a startled looking Lydia. </div> <bR> <div>      “Oh my God, Adam. Come in!”</div> <bR> <div>      Her tone of voice brought Grant rushing. He came to an abrupt stop when he saw my bloody, battered face.</div> <bR> <div>      “Shit!” he exclaimed. “What happened?”</div> <bR> <div>      “Eve threw me out,” I said, uncomfortable with saying more.</div> <bR> <div>      “What?” they gasped in unison. </div> <bR> <div>      “We had a fight, she kicked me out.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Eve did this to you?” Lydia asked, touching my face gingerly.</div> <bR> <div>      “Yes,” I responded tersely.</div> <bR> <div>      “Is she…ok?” she asked hesitantly.</div> <bR> <div>      “I didn't touch her, if that's what you're asking,” I said through gritted teeth. It had been a mistake to come here, I suddenly realized. I barely knew these people. We were casual acquaintances and that was all, reliable guests for a dinner party. Grant's flirting was just what I'd always told Eve it was - nothing more than an especially outgoing personality. “I'm sorry,” I said. “I shouldn't have come here.” I turned to leave but a strong hand caught my arm. </div> <bR> <div>      “No, you were right in coming here,” Grant said gently. He and Lydia exchanged a look and she nodded slightly.</div> <bR> <div>      “I'll go check on Eve,” she said. “I'll probably stay the night there. Adam, why don't you stay here for tonight?”</div> <bR> <div>      “I couldn't…” I protested.</div> <bR> <div>      “Yes, you could,” Grant said with finality. </div> <bR> <div>      Lydia let herself out and Grant inspected my face more closely. </div> <bR> <div>      “Wow. She really did a number on you, buddy,” he said softly. “You didn't try to stop her?”</div> <bR> <div>      “No,” I answered simply.</div> <bR> <div>      He looked into my eyes and I thought I saw a hint of understanding - and maybe something more - but then he turned his head and whatever it was I thought I'd seen was gone. <I>It was just wishful thinking</I>, I told myself. </div> <bR> <div>      “Come on, we need to get you cleaned up,” Grant said as he walked away, expecting me to follow. He led me into a bedroom that I assumed he shared with Lydia. I'd never been in here before and took a moment to look around. To my surprise, it was decorated in a very masculine style; sparse furniture and dark colors. It even had a decidedly masculine smell, slightly musky but pleasant. </div> <bR> <div>      “This is my room,” he said to me, noticing my surprise. </div> <bR> <div>      “You sleep separately?” I blurted out, and then realized how rude that was and blushed. “I'm sorry; it's none of my business.”</div> <bR> <div>      “It's ok. We have separate rooms, but we don't always sleep separately. It just works for us.” I nodded. “Have a seat on the bed,” he told me. “I'll be right back.”</div> <bR> <div>      He went through another door that I assumed led into a bathroom. I sat uncertainly on the edge of Grant's bed and looked at myself in the mirror over his dresser. There was a surprising amount of blood on my face. No wonder Lydia had seemed so shocked when she opened the door. I wouldn't have blamed her if she'd screamed and slammed it in my face. Besides my split lip, there seemed to be several small cuts, probably from her rings, or possibly from flying shrapnel. One over my eye was bleeding very profusely.</div> <bR> <div>      Grant reappeared a few moments later carrying a small basin, a washcloth, some gauze, and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide. He set it all carefully on the bed beside me and then crouched down on his heels in front of me. For the first time, I realized what he was wearing. He'd taken off the jacket and button-down shirt he'd worn to our house earlier. It left him in just a white wife-beater that clung most appealingly to his toned body. Thankfully, his jeans were still on, although he was barefoot. I tore my eyes away from his chest and looked into his eyes. I couldn't read his expression. </div> <bR> <div>      He dipped the washcloth into the basin, which turned out to hold warm water, and very gently began to wipe the blood from my face.</div> <bR> <div>      “Grant, I can do this,” I said quickly. “I've interrupted your night enough…”</div> <bR> <div>      My voice faded away at the look he gave me. He rinsed the cloth and wiped away more of the blood without a word. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. His tender touch was stirring something in me that had long been dormant and I had to struggle not to become aroused. </div> <bR> <div>      After he'd cleaned the blood away, he soaked a piece of gauze in the hydrogen peroxide and dabbed carefully at the cuts. I hissed a little at the sting and his eyes found mine. </div> <bR> <div>      “They're not as bad as they looked,” he said quietly. </div> <bR> <div>      “I guess I'm just a wimp,” I said with a shaky smile.</div> <bR> <div>      “I didn't say that.” </div> <bR> <div>      He stood up and gathered up the supplies. “I'm going to get a bandage. That cut over your eye won't stop bleeding.” He disappeared back into the bathroom while I sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed. He returned quickly with a plastic bandage. He applied it carefully to the cut on my forehead, then let his hand gently drift down my face. I looked up at him, startled. </div> <bR> <div>      “I'm sorry, Adam,” he whispered.</div> <bR> <div>      “Sorry?” I asked in confusion.</div> <bR> <div>      “I feel as if I'm partly to blame for this.”</div> <bR> <div>      “You? How?” </div> <bR> <div>      “I knew you were attracted to me and I kept on flirting.”</div> <bR> <div>      It seemed to be a night for stunning announcements. “You knew?” I gasped when I found my voice again.</div> <bR> <div>      He nodded.</div> <bR> <div>      “But…how?”</div> <bR> <div>      “It was pretty obvious.” He sat down beside me on the bed, a little too close for my comfort. “Adam, I'm bisexual.”</div> <bR> <div>      I felt as if my eyes would bulge out of my head. “Lydia…?”</div> <bR> <div>      “Lydia knows. She knew when we got married. She's ok with it. She knows I love her more than anything. She also knows that sometimes I need to be with a man.”</div> <bR> <div>      “But…I…you…”</div> <bR> <div>      “As I'm sure you've noticed, I flirt indiscriminately. My flirting with you started out innocently enough. When I realized that you were attracted to me, I played it up a little. I mean, I was flattered. You're a very attractive man, Adam.”</div> <bR> <div>      “I-I am?”</div> <bR> <div>      “Yes, you are. Lydia thought I should leave you alone, but I couldn't seem to help it. I'm sorry if it confused you.”</div> <bR> <div>      “It…it didn't confuse me. I've known I was gay since college.”</div> <bR> <div>      “You're gay?” It was his turn to be surprised. </div> <bR> <div>      I nodded. </div> <bR> <div>      “And you knew in college?” I nodded again. “Yet you married Eve?”</div> <bR> <div>      “It's a long story,” I sighed. “Eve never knew I was gay, but we had problems right from the beginning. We almost separated once, but then there was Seth, and then later Kane. I felt trapped. Eventually, we fell into an uneasy truce.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Obviously, the truce ended tonight,” Grant said, reaching out to touch the bandage. “What happened?”</div> <bR> <div>      “You happened,” I gave him a weak smile.</div> <bR> <div>      “So it was my fault,” he said sadly.</div> <bR> <div>      “No,” I said quickly, twisting to face him. “All you did was remind me of what could be. You awakened a part of me that I've tried to deny for too long.”</div> <bR> <div>      He reached out again and gently stroked my cheek. I felt a shiver of anticipation run through my body. He slowly brought his face closer to mine, holding my eyes with his own until they closed as our lips met. He was ever so gentle at first, so gentle I almost opened my eyes to see if I was really kissing him. I felt his tongue brush against my lips and I knew I wasn't just imagining this. Our kiss grew more passionate as his arms slid around my body. As his mouth grew more insistent, my lip began to hurt where I'd split it, but I ignored the pain, considering it fair trade for the pleasure that was coursing through my body after long absence. </div> <bR> <div>      He slowly lowered me onto the bed and rolled over onto me, his lips never once leaving mine. We kissed for a few minutes, working both of us into a state of intense arousal. I moaned in frustration when he suddenly pulled away and sat up. My disappointment was short lived as I watched him pull his shirt over his head. I'd never seen Grant without a shirt and I greedily took him in. It was obvious that he worked out. His naturally smooth chest was well defined and his abs looked as hard as a rock. I ran my hands over his stomach and through the light treasure trail that disappeared into his jeans. He tugged impatiently at my shirt and I allowed him to slide it over my head. </div> <bR> <div>      I was suddenly self-conscious. I was nowhere near as built as Grant. Not to say that I was flabby. I was trim, but it had been a long time since I'd been to a gym. Grant just ran his hands lightly over my chest and I gasped. It felt like electricity coursing over my skin. He lowered himself back down and we once more began to kiss, our hands all over each other's bodies. It wasn't long before we were both naked, our bodies entangled. Much to my embarrassment, I didn't last long; it had been too long since I'd been this sexually excited. Grant was very understanding and quickly set me at ease, telling me I'd last longer next time. We fell asleep in each other's arms. </div> <bR> <div>      The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed and the sounds of arguing from outside my room. I quickly distinguished Grant's voice, but it took me a second to recognize Lydia. I'd never heard her speak with anything but a meek, shy voice. She didn't sound shy now.</div> <bR> <div>      “I can't believe you slept with him!” she was shouting.</div> <bR> <div>      Grant responded in a softer tone so I couldn't quite make out his words except for the sound of his “Shh.”</div> <bR> <div>      “I don't care how much he thought he wanted it, you took advantage of him. He was in no shape to be making a decision like that. And besides, we didn't talk about it first; you swore to me that we'd always talk about it first.”</div> <bR> <div>      “I thought that it was implied when you left,” Grant shot back, a little louder now as he became defensive.</div> <bR> <div>      “Oh for God's sake! How was that implied? You've wanted him ever since we met them. You saw your chance and you took it, end of story.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Lydia…”</div> <bR> <div>      “Don't Lydia me. I've seen the way you two flirted. I didn't blame Adam; he was in an unhappy marriage and so deep in the closet he couldn't even find the door. You on the other hand…”</div> <bR> <div>      “You knew I was bisexual when we got married.”</div> <bR> <div>      “That's right; throw that in my face again. You know what? I've bent over backwards for you trying to make this marriage work. I agreed to your boys on the side, I looked the other way when you thought I didn't know about the ones you forgot to ask about, I ignored your blatant flirting when I was standing right there, but I've had enough. Being bisexual has nothing to do with it. I've never had a problem with you being bisexual; to me, it's just another sexuality.”</div> <bR> <div>      “We've talked about this; I need a man to be satisfied sexually.”</div> <bR> <div>      “All that tells me is that I'm not enough for you. If you need a man so goddamned badly, go find yourself one, because I'm not sticking around anymore.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Lydia!”</div> <bR> <div>      “Goodbye.”</div> <bR> <div>      I heard a door slam followed by footsteps coming my way. I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. The door opened and I sensed Grant standing over the bed watching me sleep. I felt his hand touch my chest and I jumped, my eyes flying open.</div> <bR> <div>      “Hey, it's just me,” he said with a smile. Looking at him, you'd never know his wife had just walked out on him. Maybe this happened all the time with them. “I didn't mean to wake you. You just looked so sexy lying there.”</div> <bR> <div>      “What time is it?” I asked.</div> <bR> <div>      “A little before seven,” he said as he sat on the edge of the bed next to me. </div> <bR> <div>      I was feeling very uncomfortable now about what we'd done the night before, especially after hearing Lydia's tirade. Grant sensed this and said, “Relax. It's ok.”</div> <bR> <div>      I wanted to ask him about Lydia, but I didn't want him to know I'd been eavesdropping. He began to trace circles lightly on my chest, my skin tingling and burning wherever his fingers touched. He slowly moved his hand lower and lower and my body responded quite against my will. He saw the tent he'd caused and smiled at me, leaning in to kiss me. I turned my head at the last minute, unable to take it any longer.</div> <bR> <div>      “What about Lydia?” I asked.</div> <bR> <div>      His hand stopped. “You heard all that?”</div> <bR> <div>      I nodded guiltily.</div> <bR> <div>      He grimaced. “Sorry about that. I guess we weren't very quiet. Don't sweat it. This happens pretty regularly. She'll cool down and we'll work it out.”</div> <bR> <div>      “What if you don't?”</div> <bR> <div>      He gave me a lopsided smile. “Then we'll be bachelors together.”</div> <bR> <div>      I frowned. “I need to get up and get ready for work,” I said, but I didn't move. His hand had once again picked up its lazy circling. This time when he leaned in to kiss me I didn't turn away. </div> <bR> <div>      It was another forty-five minutes before I finally made it into the shower; I was going to be late to work. As I stepped out of the shower, I quickly realized that I didn't have any clean clothes. I walked out in a towel to find Grant sprawled naked on the bed. </div> <bR> <div>      “I don't have any clothes,” I told him.</div> <bR> <div>      “What time does Eve leave for work?” he asked. </div> <bR> <div>      “Right after the kids get on the school bus, which should be any time.” I went to the window and pushed the curtain aside. Seth was standing on the sidewalk with his back to me, but I didn't have to see his face to know he was upset. His body language spoke clearly. His arms were crossed tightly over his chest and his back was rigid with anger. As if sensing my gaze, he suddenly turned around and looked directly at me. His stony expression softened a bit when our eyes met. I waved and he gave me a small wave in return. The bus pulled up just then and he turned reluctantly to board. The bus idled as it waited for Kane to come barreling out of the house. He was late almost every morning. Finally, he made it out and the bus pulled away.</div> <bR> <div>      I waited a few more minutes until I saw Eve's car back out of the driveway, then I quickly dressed in yesterday's clothes and let myself back into my house.</div> <bR> <div>      The mess in the living room had been cleaned up. Except for some missing knickknacks, there was no outward sign of our fight last night. I walked quickly to our bedroom and opened my closet door and stopped in shock. It was empty. Not so much as a necktie in sight. I searched everywhere and finally found them overflowing from the garbage can in the backyard. Luckily, most of them were still clean so I was able to find something to wear. I lugged the rest of the clothes, still in the trashcan, into Grant's garage. My next nasty surprise came when I went to get in my car - my tires had been slashed. </div> <bR> <div>      Angry and embarrassed, I went back to Grant's house and asked for a ride to work. He dropped me off on the way to his workplace. </div> <bR> <div>      I knew something was wrong as soon as I walked into the office. I shared a workspace with several other people, our desk areas separated by shoulder height dividers. None of them would make eye contact with me as I entered.</div> <bR> <div>      I greeted everyone and got a few nods, but still no one would look directly at me. <I>What did Eve do now?</I> I wondered with a rising feeling of dread.</div> <bR> <div>      I turned on my computer and waited for it to start. As soon as I opened my email account, my stomach dropped. There was a company-wide email sent from my address late last night. I knew it hadn't come from me, so that meant Eve had sent it from my home computer. I didn't want to read it, but I knew I had to know what it said. </div> <bR> <div>      “Attention!” It started off in bold letters. “Adam Connelly is a cheating, perverted faggot.”</div> <bR> <div>      I sat and stared disbelievingly at the words on my screen. How could she do this? The sheer nastiness of it shocked me. Who was this woman? Could she be the same person I'd lived with all these years? Sure, we'd had our problems, but there'd never been any signs that she could be this malicious.</div> <bR> <div>      “Adam?” My thoughts were interrupted by the voice of my supervisor. I quickly closed the email before realizing how useless it was since he'd doubtlessly seen it already. Red-faced, I turned to face him.</div> <bR> <div>      “Could I see you in my office for a minute?” He looked very serious. I simply nodded and followed him into his office, where he shut the door before sitting down behind his desk. He didn't offer me a seat, so I remained standing.</div> <bR> <div>      “Would you please explain this?” he asked as he slid a printout of the vindictive email across the surface of his desk. </div> <bR> <div>      I blushed even hotter. “I'm sorry, sir,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “My wife and I are having some personal problems and she sent that out last night after an argument.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Adam, your personal problems have no business in the office. I've had calls this morning from almost every department. Please have a talk with your wife and make sure she understands that this is not acceptable.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Yes sir, I will.”</div> <bR> <div>      He nodded dismissively and I turned to go, hoping that this would be the end of it, at least as far as my company was concerned. </div> <bR> <div>      “Oh, and Adam?” he said, stopping me at the door. “I hope for your sake that her allegation of your sexuality was just said in the heat of the moment.”</div> <bR> <div>      I turned slowly to face him. “Excuse me?” I asked. I couldn't believe I had heard him correctly.</div> <bR> <div>      “Don't get offended, I'm sure that was just her way of trying to hurt you. It's not like anyone really believes it. I'm just saying that we wouldn't look kindly on that lifestyle here. You're a good worker; I'd hate to have to let you go.”</div> <bR> <div>      I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He'd just threatened to fire me if I was gay. I'd heard homophobic comments bandied about around the water cooler before, but it was shocking to hear it directly from your boss. Of course, this was well before the anti-discrimination laws, so there was no recourse. I just turned numbly and let myself out of his office. </div> <bR> <div>      I walked back to my workstation and sat down. I stared blankly at my computer screen, not really seeing it, but instead worrying over my situation like a dog gnawing a bone. </div> <bR> <div>      “Hey Connelly,” Mike, my neighbor to the left, said in a low voice. I turned to find him peering around the cubical wall. He was a slightly younger man who I'd always found very attractive. He was tall with sandy blonde hair and dark brown eyes. “It's not true is it? That email?” He looked decidedly uncomfortable. His eyes were clearly pleading with me to deny the allegation. </div> <bR> <div>      I stood up and took in the rest of my coworkers. Not a single person was even pretending to work. They were all waiting for my answer. </div> <bR> <div>      I'd worked with some of these people for years. None of us were very close; we never socialized outside office functions. I didn't even know for sure who was married or, if they were, their spouses' names. It had never occurred to me to wonder about their sexuality, and it wouldn't have mattered to me if it had. Yet now, their collective opinion of me hinged on my answer to the question “was I gay?”</div> <bR> <div>      Suddenly, I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't owe these people an explanation. I felt like screaming at them to mind their own business. I knew I wouldn't be getting any work done today. Without any response to Mike, I crossed the room and knocked on my boss's door. </div> <bR> <div>      “Come in,” he called.</div> <bR> <div>      I opened the door just enough to stick my head in. “Given the circumstances, I think I need to take the day off to get things settled,” I told him. “I'm taking a personal day.” I withdrew and shut the door, not giving him a chance to respond. I was in the parking lot before I remembered that I didn't have a car.</div> <bR> <div>      It was the last straw; I sagged against the wall and gave in to my emotions, crying softly and wondering what I would do now. </div> <bR> <div>      “Adam?” someone said from close by. I jumped away from the wall and wiped at my face, trying to erase the evidence of my tears. I spotted Ellen, the office secretary standing in the doorway. She eyed me worriedly. “Are you ok?” she asked.</div> <bR> <div>      “Just fine,” I said through gritted teeth.</div> <bR> <div>      “You seemed really upset when you left,” she said hesitantly. Ellen was a very nice middle-aged black woman; one of those people you seldom notice because they're so quiet and just get along with everybody. She was kind enough now not to mention the fact that she'd just caught me crying in the parking lot. </div> <bR> <div>      “I have a lot going on right now,” I said simply, hoping it would be enough.</div> <bR> <div>      “Adam, I just want you to know that even if that email was true, it wouldn't matter to me.” She paused. “My brother is gay.”</div> <bR> <div>      I squeezed my eyes shut and wished I could wake up and discover that this was all just a nightmare. I opened them again to find Ellen still standing there, looking at me expectantly. She was waiting for me to say something.</div> <bR> <div>      I sighed. “Too bad everyone else doesn't feel the same way,” I said. </div> <bR> <div>      She nodded sympathetically. “They're a bunch of bigots. Trust me; I know firsthand. They would love to fire the nigger woman, but I'm protected by law. You don't even have that protection.”</div> <bR> <div>      I looked her squarely in the eye. “I never said I was gay, Ellen.”</div> <bR> <div>      “You never said you weren't either,” she said gently. “Besides, I already suspected. If you know what to look for, the signs are clear.” Then in answer to the question in my eyes, she continued. “You never look at the female workers like the other men, even when they wear short skirts or tight shirts. On the other hand, you do look at the men, especially Mike.” I blushed. I hadn't known I was that obvious. Had anyone else noticed? “Honey, don't be embarrassed. If there's one thing I've learned from my brother, it's that you can't help who you love. If you need someone to talk to, I can give you his phone number.”</div> <bR> <div>      I shook my head no. “Thank you, Ellen, but I don't think so.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Just let me know if you change your mind.” She started to leave, then stopped. “You know, I think you're the only man who works here who has never made a racist or sexist comment to me.”</div> <bR> <div>      “Why haven't you sued them for harassment or discrimination?”</div> <bR> <div>      She shrugged. “My job is worth too much to me; I'm making good money. Besides, it would be my word against theirs. It's just too much trouble. You choose your battles.” She went inside, leaving me alone and still without a ride.</div> <bR> <div>      I went to a nearby gas station and called a cab. While I waited, I wondered where I'd have it take me. I was no longer welcome at my home and my job was uncertain. In less than twenty-four hours, my entire life had been turned upside down. Where did I go from here?</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id250.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Part Two">Part Two</A></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>